Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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