I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
