So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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