Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
