I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
well most of my day revolves around power hour
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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