i need an iv and a liver transplant
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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