I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
