Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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