My cat gives me a boner
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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