He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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