Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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