i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
