I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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