no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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