The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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