Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
