i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
