Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
