We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
