do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
