fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I need a beard to bite.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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