Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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