if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
