I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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