beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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