Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Pants are for mortals
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
