Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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