i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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