college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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