Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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