If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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