youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Randomize
