Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
