my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The uberlube is also flammable
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
