are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
