i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
