The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
