I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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