I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i love accidental penises.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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