I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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