I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
