If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I can't trust your balls anymore.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
