god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i think i have herpe
just one?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Houston, we have a squirter
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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