Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
