I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
