im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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