I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
