it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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