If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
