Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
