I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
do herpes really smell.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Randomize
