If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
