just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
