The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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