just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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