So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
