Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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