this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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