and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
