Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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