Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize