Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
