The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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